Wrestling With What the Bible Says About Marriage

Disclaimer: Please forgive me for this post. This is the hardest topic I have ever written about. There is so much to learn and I know I don't have it right here! This is my best attempt at being faithful to Biblical passages on marriage and that is not saying much. As you will see I wrote out more questions then sentences with periods in this post. I would appreciate any and all feedback you may have!

I have some questions on gender differences before I get into the topic of marriage: If a man and a woman were put into the position of CEO with 2 similar, but different thriving companies, and were given similar goals, would they go about their job using different leadership styles? Do men lead differently then women? By the end, will the man and woman have gotten to their goals in different ways? Is a woman the same type of manager as a man?

I don't think you can answer these questions universally and with absolute certainty. I think the answer is, it depends. Sure, I think generally there is an answer, but it depends when you are speaking about individuals.

I think Ephesians 5:21-33 is similar with the application of the principles it puts down for marriage.

Being a man and being a woman are two different ways of being human and by themselves, the Bible says, they are kind of imbalanced. I believe this is the reason the Bible never puts the same imperative on a man as it does for a woman when they are coupled together, and visa-versa. Both are more complete when they are with each other because they both have resources that the other does not have.

Another point I wanted to make here can be seen in verse 33 when Paul tells us that husbands are supposed to love their wives and wives are supposed to respect their husbands. Does this mean that wives do not have to love their husbands and husbands do not have to respect their wives? No, of course not.

I think that leads to this question: does the Bible give us exact guidelines on how to live, on what to do in every single situation? No, and I don't think that was ever the point. The Bible never gave me the exact answer on whether or not I was supposed to marry Danielle. The name Danielle is not even mentioned once in the Bible!

What are you supposed to do when... you are offered a new job across the country, see a homeless man in need on the streets, when your child does not share with the other kids, when you are not sure how to reconnect with a friend... there are a million scenarios we face everyday that are not specifically addressed in the Bible. What does the Bible say to do in these situations? It depends!

Whether you believe it or not, the Bible is not about us, it is about God. Because we are stamped with His image there will be implications for us in the Bible but we must not get carried away with our own self-importance. I don't think we can take hard-line literal approaches to every section and see ourselves working perfectly into the Biblical passages every single time. We are not God! Only Christ fits into the Bible perfectly every single time. We are to be molded and shaped for sure but through it all we must walk in love, the greatest commandment that Christ left us with, because the world (including ourselves) is messy, full of sin and very corrupt. There is much need for love and grace. And as we try and love with His help we will become more like Him. One of the ways in which He loves us is through the fact that He has given us the Great Helper, the Spirit of God, to help us with wisdom and resources that we do not have when the Bible is not crystal clear in how to exactly move throughout life.

The Bible is not a how-to guide or a manual on life. Wisdom is spoken of much in the Bible. There is much on the Holy Spirit and prayer. This is our help we must tap into when the Bible is not crystal clear. Galatians 4:6 says that our Great Helper, the Holy Spirit, is crying in our hearts, 'Abba, Father!' The Spirit, our Great Help, cries out for the only one who can help! In Him we were made to rest in and trust in.

According to Ephesians 5, who is the man suppose to look to as his example of loving his wife? Christ. Who is the woman supposed to look to in her example of submitting to her husband? Christ...

Let's get to the pink elephant in the room right now. SUBMISSION. Paul calls women to be submissive to their husbands in this selection of Ephesians. What does 'submission' mean? In the Greek it means 'a help.' I think a sharper translation is, 'to use your power in a way that enables and empowers somebody else.' Are not women, IN GENERAL, better at this then men? I think it depends, but I think there is some truth to the fact that, in general, they might be better. Are not some men better at this then women though? I think some might be. Are not both men and women both capable of this? I think so. Would not a marriage be stronger if both submitted, or in other words empowered, the other? (Forget the Bible for a second) Would this not cultivate a great marriage if both the man and wife submitted to each other, if they both empowered the other with resources the other did not have? Do not good marriages survive, inside and outside of the church, because the man and woman love each other in this way?

A person can only submit, can only be 'a help,' if they have resources that the one they are helping is without. I can only help a student with their homework when I have knowledge they do not have. I can only help the student if I know more about the homework then they do. A women can only help their husband if she has got resources that he does not have. And are not there resources that the man has that the woman is without? Is the woman unique in her ability to enable others in this way? Is not this the way women, in general, would take a leadership role (like the CEO position I talked about at first)? I might be wrong with this but I think that in general this may be the case.

Are there deficiencies in husbands that are not in wives? Are there things that husbands cannot do that wives can? Is it not this the case the other way around?

Let's look to Jesus' life as we continue. He was and is the perfect picture of masculinity - real leadership, real authority, no oppressiveness, real love without conditions, and sacrificial love that empowers others. At the same time Christ is our picture of femininity too. The glorifying of someone else with His resources, the enabling and empowering of somebody else in love... (Femininity is much more then this I am sure. Maybe it is not this. I know I do not understand it fully. I would love to hear about any other thoughts on how Christ embodies the strongest elements of femininity because I am sure there is much more to add to this discussion.)

I think the Bible says at least these things about the genders: neither masculinity or femininity are more divine, neither is higher then the other, and both are seen in Christ.

But is Christ's life only relatively an example? What I mean by that is are we supposed to pick and choose what characteristics of Christ we are supposed to emulate according to whether we are a man or woman? Maybe we are given unique gifts and are more apt to love in certain ways like Christ (I think the Bible affirms the general differences in the genders) but does that mean that we are supposed to deny the full influence of how Christ loved us in our lives? Why can't the man submit to his wife if he is empowering her with resources she does not have? Why can't the woman sacrificially love and lead if this is loving and strengthening the marriage?

The Bible gives us important principles about marriage in Ephesians, but is it saying that husbands must demand that your wife submits? Paul also says that husbands should love their wives. Would this kind of demanding, authoritative leadership be loving? Why do some Christian marriages choose submission for the wife and do not give equal attention to the love the husband is commanded to give her wife? If you are sacrificing one for the other you are not being Biblical. Whether you at fault for this or not, husbands should always be asking and being shaped by this question: how exactly does Christ loves the Church?

Christ was both submissive and loving, are not men and women called to be both? Because I am a man am I not to be submissive, am I not supposed to empower others if I have resources they do not have?

Will not the marriage magnify God's glory if we seek to emulate Christ as much as possible? Should we limit Christ's example in our lives?

The Bible is a powerful resource we have in life, but life is messy. The Bible affirms that. Trust the Bible, but also trust the Spirit's lead when the Bible does not give exact instructions and the messiness of life makes it seem less clear. Seek wisdom, seek the Spirit, it is crying out for us in the streets! Proverbs 1:20-23 The Spirit longs for us not to be simpleminded, the Spirit understands how complex life is! And if we had any doubts to that fact, God came down to identify and embody all of the pain and complexities that life gives. Look to Christ. Trust Him, He understands how scary life is, He understands how messy it is. Know you are not perfect (you are not God), and rest in the fact that God is perfect in love. Do your best to love your husband or wife with the gifts and resources you have, know that you will not do it perfectly (only God can!), and rest in the unconditional love that Christ has personally given us when we are shamed for not loving like we should. He is full of grace. He is our perfect husband. Let Him lead and empower our lives and marriages. He is crying out. Are you listening?